bonnywoe

So my closest friend, well im not even sure anymore.
Anyways, about a year ago her and her mom totally used the secrets about my messed family and past that i told her in trust, against me.  They pretty much stepped all over my like i was a piece of shit on the ground, it hurt like hell lol.
So after they hurt me i decided never to trust any of them again, and i havn't.  But a lot has gone on this year and on top of not telling her any of that i also can't get up the courage to tell her that she hurt me when she does something mean, which by the way is very often.  It sucks balls, but i can't really complain about it because thats my own choice.

Lately - well the past couple of months, shes been talking to the guy that ive basically loved with everything in my for more than a year, everyday and he's messaging her on facebook and commenting all of her pictures.  That guy that i did my second or third post on? one of the two...  I know im being the 'Big, Green, Jealous Monster' but fuck !!! It really hurts, everytime i see them talking and hanging out i want to just dissapear forever.

and Yes she knows how i feel and have felt about him for more than a year, and no she doesn't care, trust me, she never cares, even if it's killing me.  And he? Pfft I doubt he even thinks twice about it, he hasn't talked to me for like a full month now, but even before that he talked to me 1 or twice every couple of months.  To be honest i was getting used to the whole 'he doesn't want me anymore' situation, but then now she has to be around him and get close to him, i hate it, every single bit of it. 

They went to wonderland together, yes just the two of them, in the summer, he invites her to go to parties with him and to go drinking tongether and now he invites just her again to wonderland this weekend. When i heard about it, it almost felt like my heart stopped because it was beating so fast.

She's sooo mean to me, for years now,
and she's bitched about not liking him for this entire year and now apparently she doesn't hate him?
So yesterday i got up the courage to tell her that i can't be her friend anymore because my home life is enough trouble, and im pretty sure i can't handle anymore of the stress she's causing, but she didn't show up at school that day, and then that night she invites me with her on the weekend, but in the invite it says "I don't have a drive" which means she only invited me to give them a drive. not fair at all. she's really prettier than me, and has that i love myself and dont give a shit about anyone else, punk look to her, that guys just go nuts over and i can't compete with that.
What did i honestly do to deserve this, I DON'T NEED ANYMORE LESSONS IN THIS LIFE ! lol sorry, but its true, ive had enough.
I don't know how much longer i can take this crap lol seriously, a heart attack or the need for a phyciatrist will be coming up soon, and im still just a kid.

I really hope you don't read this thinking I'm weak, jealous and insanly obsessive, because honestly im not weak nor obsessive, but i am jealous.  But you would be too, and you'd understand if you ever cared about a male as much as i care about him.

My other close friend (not mean at all) agrees that no friend would do this to another, but no one can provide me with any advice towards the situation so....

What should i do?

:(

Help please !

I should really start this journal entry with the classic "It's been a while since my last post" but it seems like thats just lame,  although thats all i ever want to start with.

So nothings really new right now, ive pretty much been avoiding writing a new entry for a good amount of time now.  I really havn't had anything to write about?
well i do....but i dont? haha

Lately Ive been feeling weird...its hard to explain...
Its sortof like... if i don't fall asleep right when i get comfortable in my room, i'll go into a big depression
it sucks
and ive been in and out of depressions my entire life but they stopped about 1 and a half/ 2 years ago
so now that theyre starting to come back, im getting pretty worried

But my 16th birthday is coming up this tuesday, im not too sure if i should be excited?
Its supposed to be my sweet 16 !
Last year my birthday was a complete mess.  My dad went into a coma on the morning of my birthday.
It really sucked for me, i realize that seems overly selfish and rude etc, but if you knew me, or read my other entries youd catch on that the connection between my father and me is a...non existent one lol.
And he hurt himself on that day, on purpose. :|
Thats not an issue though, and im really not complaining about the incident, im just really really hoping this year he doesn't do something really stupid again.
Every year for the past 5 years he has done something ridiculous specifically on my birthday, and im not entirely sure why?  He's a bit mental - Not joking lol.  Hes a bit of a jerk too.
I guess its an attention thing that he needs on other peoples "special" days, im not one to attract attention, but i can't say i never do. :) just rarely lol

And thats pretty much the only thought going through my mind recently
Along with guys of course, unfortunatly.
I'm currently alone lol I don't mind it, I have a couple of close friends in serious relationships, i find it nuts.  The female has this way of getting mad easily, in ever relationship ive seen, out of the blue, over the silliest things.  But then i think and realize, its not at all silly to them, it hurts them, i probably would feel the same...actually thats a big lie i have to much patience and carelessness to be like that with another person lol
But...Sadly enough as a birthday wish I would love a new crush in my life :)
Not a serious relationship, maybe not even a realtionship at all, just someone to think about
because right now im thinking about no one that I actually have true feelings for and its really a bit boring

Living in a small town sucks biiiiiig balls for finding someone new (N)

So I suck
I havn't blogged in apparently 6 weeks
that's ridiculous. lol
i guess my life has gotten a little distracting over the past few weeks?


Lately the only thing in my life thats semi important is my relationship with my dad.
It's unfortunatly getting worse, lol im think were both a little too bossy.
I understand that the average teenager gets moody, and usually fights with their parents and apparently 'hates' them.  But then you grow up and realize you were just being silly and your relationships go back to normal again.  But im honestly wondering about my dads and my connection, its sortof non-existant.


All dads/parents do stupid shit, and so do kids but my dads kinda not like the average father i guess.
He's not exactly been a father to me for most of my life, and hes done a lot of scary shit that has really fucked me and the rest of the fam up.  But I don't really mind that, its the past and I learned from it, so it's cool.  But uh i just plain don't like him. 


Sooo as a result of my hate for him and the amount we hurt and scream at eachother, ive been thinking about moving out.
Thats kinda silly in my eyes because I'm nearly 16, which isn't exactly old lol.
But I could go live with my Oma (Grandma in Dutch) in mississauga.
It'd be cool, she needs someone because she's all alone there and sick, and i love being with her.
I got there every other weeek for a couple days, just to get away from here for a bit.
It's nice.
But I'm thinking i'd regret it, i'd have no friends, i'd have to start fresh, gr 11, in a brand new school, brand new town.
Im terrified to be honest, but i really want to go.

Overall, im very very curious about your relationship with your dads! :) cause I definitly need advice in that part

and also I am curious about wether anyone has had to move and start fresh before, and how did that work out for you?

I havn't posted in like 3 weeks
Its crazy
I guess i havn't had too much important stuff to write about until now


This dreadfull week is summative week, which is if you didn't know 15% of my final grade for each class
So each teacher gives you a few huge tests, or a huge assignment or something, that like kills
and then next week is exam week.  Should suck a lot of balls.  I have 3 exams, 1 thursday, 1 friday and then finally 1 monday.
Hopefully I do decent and pass grade 10.  I know Ill be fine, so i'm not too worried.
Summatives tho, are just brutal, teachers leave it until the last minute each year... so it makes me kindof nervous since I'm not the type to leave things to the last minute.


But thats nothing new, Ive got summatives and exams every year.  The grade I recieve is the grade i deserve.  It sucks, but that's life.   :)

I doo need to write about an aweome event that occured today.  Well actually its been going on for a while.

A couple days ago in my cosmo class a group of mean girls were shit talking one of my closest friends.  I know thats not a huge deal because loads of people shit talk and everyone atleast once gets shit talked about.  But the girls who were talking crap were supposed "best friends" to my close friend.  

Soooo i told her what they said, i thought it was only fair even tho it hurt her...I think it would hurt her more if i didn't tell her.  Im not a little tattle-tail rat or anything.

So she accused the 2 main girls who were saying crap, and both of their responses were "I wasn't in on that".
Bitches eh? i was like pffft, yeah ok (liars)


But none of that fighting is really what bothers me.  It's just one of the girls came up to me and my friend in the hallway, sith 6 of her little friends... she pointed at me and started acusing me of calling her a slut. her exact words were "Four of my closest friends told me SHE called me a slut"..."Im not a slut because I'm a virgin".
That's pretty damn childish to me...
-First of all I never ever called her a slut...I called her a bitch and a midget...but i never said slut. (She called me a "biiiiitch" like 5 times over the last couple of months, so i called her one back once or twice, lol, only because she started it, and i called her a midget....because well...trust me she really is half my size... which i have nothing against, i just really dont like her)
-Second of all...How dare she bring me into her bullshit, who the fuck does she think she is. 
-Third of all she turned her bitch talking about my friend(her friend too) around to put the spot light on me and my girl.
-and Last she had to bring 5 more girls and 1 guy to us to talk to just the two of us about how she feels.  Shes sooo weak that she couldn't face either of us one to one.
Which is by far the most dissapointing thing out of it all.  How much more pathetic can you get?


I can't stress this enough...if you get in a ifght with a friend DONT bring more people into it for back up.  If you have a good reason to be fighting...you wont need back up because you know that what you are doing is right. 

But yeah, some girls suuuck.  I live in a tiny ass peaceful town where evryone is drugged up, and some Big city, ghetto wanna-be girl comes in thinking she's superior to everyone.  The only thing is, lol nobody gives a fuck in my town.  I just feel so disgusted by it all.  Bunch of backstabbers.  Tisk Tisk.

Girls like that make me soooo hapy that i grew up with the my one best friend.  She's completely female drama free.  Me and her just talk about hotties, lie in fields and shop.  I love her to death.


So any girls and/or guys have advice on how to clear up this little bitch fight situation?
Do ignore her, bitch her out, start a real fight, teach her a lesson, tell a few teachers or like what?

I named her Harley, she's 4 weeks old, black with green eyes.  She's super tiny and adorable.  Im sooo glad she's a part of my life now :)
The only girl from the whole litter and the only one without little white paws. 
I definitely needed something like this to make me happier in my life right now !
Her original owners, cats had a litter of like 6 kittens all black with white paws, excpet for my Harley.  They didn't want the kittens and were saying they'd let them go free outside if no one took the kittens, theyre kindof jerks i guess.
So i got her for free!!!!
I feel bad for my other cat, because she's like queen shit, the owner of everything.  My princess, i love her to death.  Plus i know sh'ed probably just eat Harley up, so I'm just not going to introduce them anytime soon :P
Hopefully that works out.

Some pictures are attched to this, so check em out ;)
Cause she's soo adorable.




Cute eh?

but anyways
That's all that's really new with me right now.
I did go to the fair (Bang-O-Rama) last night to see the fireworks for Victoria Day.
A small town celebration thingy...It was actually really good, and eating cotton candy for the first time in a long time was like heaven :P

So my grandmother died on saturday night. (dads mom)
thats the second relative to die within a few months.
my moms dad, my opa, died in December, that was a true heartbreaker.
But unfortunatly, i hardly even knew my dads mom
i knew she was a good person, and i could have seen her all the time if i wanted, but i chose not to.  I guess thats just something I have to live with now.  I don't really regret it, as mean as that sounds.
My grandma reminded me so much of my father, and my father isn't exactly one of my favourite people in my life.
I didn't cry when she passed, although i know when i attend the funeral in a couple days im going to cry because my grandpa will, and he means alot to me.  So seeing him cry, kills me.
When i told my best friend that my grandma died the other day all she said was "any remorse?"
and i swear i wanted to punch her, like could you get any ruder?
Actually she probably could, but i still consider that kindof rude, especially when my grandma just died.
Like she should have said "awe baby, im so sorry, thats so shit, i hope you feel better soon" kind of crap.
thats what a friend should say, whether they care about the situation or not.
and i understand that i didn't know my grandma very well, and she knew i didn't know her well, but still she could have had a little heart.
but oh well, i kinda expected it cause that friend is always doing stupid shit.


Anyways i often sit a wonder why people do the things they do.
the brain is such a fucked up but amazing thing
and im sorta curious about it all
i think it would be amazing to have a future career involving why people do things, or even just learning about people, especially since thats all i really think about.

But youve got to wonder how one person could love themselves so much, they could just stare at themselves in the mirror for hours.  its crazy the amount people think about themselves.  Everytime they pass a mirror they stop and get like mesmorized.  I used to wish i could be like that, to love myself, even just a little.  but now i see how ridiculous it is.
I also wonder how one person could screw sooo many other peoples lives up so badly, and not even realize it.  Not even care alittle.  I personally think you need to be kinda mentally insane to not notice or take some of the blame for fucking your friends/family over so bad.

Some people are so screwed up.
Like the other day i heard a story about a girl in the school down the street who microwaved her cat.  When i found out i wanted to beat the shit out of this bitch. lol i wanted to put her in an oven and see how she liked it.
If you think about it, any person who can do terrible things and murder an animal, can easily do the same or worse to a human.  and thats scary.
Since i was raised in a small hill-billy town, i don't know what its like to have contant murders,shootings and kid nappings going on around me.  I just know drugs, fights, fucked up families and bad luck.
and i'd much rather stick to what i know and stear clear of the freaky shit.
So i guess a career involving the thoughts of other people might just stress me out or something.
Maybe ill aim for being a social worker for kids or something.  Cause that all still intrests me

so ive been having this like guy...problem? for about a year.

I met the cutest, pretty much perfect guy for me on 4:20 last year. god he's adorable, i went on two dates with him,  of course i had the biggest crush on him then for the next couple of months we hung out but just as friends. 

Then in around the end of august he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship anytime soon because he's too unstable, but he really likes me.  I had no idea what that meant? unstable? like how? but i never asked, i just said "ok" cause i can't tell anyone how i really feel and i figured i couldn't change how he really felt anyways.

So we still hung out after that every once and awhile, like a bunch of friends getting together or some stupid shit like that. So around the
beginning of December I ended up making out with him, then we get closer and further, but still he wont date me.  He was there for me every time bad family shit went down that year and the start of this year, i really trust him. He really is a best friend.

By the time February came around he wanted to hang out with me once or twice a week, which is a lot for him because hes always got lots to do and people to see.  and honestly being fifteen i really don't think much of love, what kind of 15 year old really falls in love right? but i swear to god no boy has ever made me so nervous, shake so much but feel so damn calm and happy at the same time.  Ive never felt so comfy with someone in my life.  i really really feel like i love him and i never thought i could love anyone. i'm in love with this quote..."Love is to think about someone else more times in one day than you think of yourself" and i believe it, and thats how i really am and feel. i know some silly quote doesn't make love, but i just...i think no matter what he does or looks like i still see so much beauty and perfection in him because i care for him and love him sooo much.

I had a bf once a while back and he said i love you to me, and i couldn't bring myself to even fake saying it back, i found it ridiculous that he would say that to me, but when this guy i'm so crazy about said it i was really finally happy on the inside.. he called and texted me all the time, id see him one day and the next day he'd say he needed to see me again, and i loved it.  Except for my little difficulty saying I love you back, he'd say it and i wouldn't say it back.  Not because i didn't want to, i really did and i really do love him, even if it's just silly teen love.  I just was so amazed by him and just being near him i didn't think about the fact that i should reply, i was just so happy to be near him.  So i feel like he thinks i don't care about him or something stupid like that.

But once March started something in him changed.  Do you ever find that guys seem to wake up one day and decide they don't want to be with you? i find a lot of guys tend to do that. not just from my experience, but friends and families experiences too.  Maybe it was my fault he changed? maybe it was just him maturing or finding someone better. i have no clue, and i really wish i could get up the nerves to ask him.

So he now hangs out with me every 3 weeks, he doesn't text me, call me, talk to me when i see him around town or anything.  he just stopped wanting me out of the blue.  and every time he goes to hang out with me, like tonight he was supposed to, he ditches me. god i hate it, i know hes gonna ditch me every single time, but it still feels like i just got hit right when he says he's ditching me. i swear i wish for the boy to come back to me every day of my life.  I'm too scared to tell him i really love him now tho, because if he's done with me...then that'll just be awkward and I'll seriously regret it.

A couple of weeks ago i got up enough nerves to tell him we need to hang out soon because i had to talk to him about stuff thats important to me.  but he didn't seem too interested and replied saying "alrighty :S " so i was like fuck. i shouldn't have said shit all, but at the same time i just wanna tell him that wether he loves me back or not i really do love him, and i hate that he said he loves me but refusing to date me.  how is that at all fair to me?

I've asked soo many people what do i say to him, what do i do?
half the people i asked say i should kick him in the balls. Then the other half say i shouldn't throw away something that makes me so happy, i just have to be content with what ive got.

so what would you do if you were me? Am i wasting my time on a guy thats only gonna hurt me in the end? or should i confront him and hope he cares for me? or what?

really tho, be honest, i love everyone else's thoughts, and i really need advice from as many as possible, so bring all your thoughts on :)
also, personal experiences always help for advice too.

This would be my first actual blog in my life.  I thought it would be good for me to start one to get fustration and like thoughts out.  Hopefully this ends up working out for me.  If you read my blog now or in the future, talk to me, cause im very interested in meeting everyone and anyone.  Plus i love advice and knowing someones reading.

:)

So i don't really have a lot to say at the moment, nothing special went on today or recently i guess.  It was a pretty simple day.  You know, wake up, got to school, be with friends, then walk home.  Pretty exciting :P ... but i know i'll have something at least a little interesting to blog about pretty soon.